Run for it!

Today's BLOG is therapy.

I woke up at 1:00 am with an anxiety attack. It would subside while I was awake but the second I would drift into sleep, it would kick back in. Quite literally, kicking me out of bed.

I'm no virgin to panic attacks, I've had a few. I have a little mantra I chant to myself until the panic subsides. But this was a different kind of animal. There seemed to be no source: fear of loss, nightmare, overdrawn bank account. Try as I might, I couldn't identify a trigger. If I could just FIND the source, I could start talking my way out of it. I have only had one other like this, which I wrote off to heat exhaustion and being isolated in a tent in the middle of the woods.

Eventually, it went away, and I fell asleep into blissfully happy dreams.

Then I woke up.

I'm not in panic mode today. But I do feel anxious and irritable. I'm reflecting because I want this feeling to go away. I read two things from other writers in the last two days: one discussed "running" from your situation, and how you can't run from yourself. That is relevant because that's what I feel like doing. Not driving, but taking off on foot, as fast as I can. From what? To where?

The second writer talked about curling into the fetal position and rocking back and forth. I laugh as I reflect on her post because she felt like she was crazy. She felt like SHE was crazy? Sister, I relate believe me! Either neither one of us are crazy or we both are. I guess, no matter, we're in good company.

So on to the therapy section of this post, now that I have identified the physical reaction. I read a really great article on personal "tipping points". How doctors need to look at the total package when treating patients to determine the possible effects their lives may be having on their health.

Is that me? Did I reach a tipping point yesterday? Nothing eventful happened. I mean, its just the same old stuff that's be going on for a while, now. Why, at that particular moment, did I just feel like I was going to blast off into space? Why do I still feel that way?

I do wish I could run away. I'm not happy where I'm at right now, everything has turned on its head. The only thing I can liken it to is being in a life preserver treading water. But none of that is new. We really need to catch a break somewhere. So many unexpected good things have come along, which is where I got the life preserver, to start with. But my arms are growing tired from treading. Every time I get a corner tucked in, the opposite one pops out. I don't need to run, I need the Coast Guard. I need a life boat. I need a superhero. I need something truly, and wonderfully good, to pull these burdens off of my heart. God will not let me drown. He has given me everything I need to stay afloat, but there have been no easy answers. I think he expects me to swim to shore. Ever tried to run in the water? Yes. That's about what it feels like right now.

I'm going to do my best today and not try to run in the water. It's exhausting. I'm going to try to tip my head back, and just float. I'm not getting too far any other way.

P.S.
Do you know what I noticed in my spell check? How closely "preserver" is to "perservere". Hmmm.

Where art thou blogger?

I've been on hiatus from blogging. Because I haven't had anything worthy of writing and because I have not had access to the laptop. Blogging on my iPod is completely ununfeasible.

Folding Fitted Sheets, again, took on a new meaning for me this month, when my dryer broke. It's fixed now, finally, but I spent a week hanging laundry on a clothes line. I was amazed at how wonderful those fitted sheets smelled when I took them off the line. It makes my whole linen closet smell fabulous! Needless to say, even though the dryer is fixed, the clothesline is still up and running. It's almost meditative to hang out the wash. It's quiet, expect for the birds and the breeze and the sound of sheets snapping in the wind.

Speaking of meditative, June has been a great month for Tai Chi. We are nearly 2/3rds of the way through the form. It has become more difficult but also more rewarding. I've been getting amazing information and encouragement from the Tai Chi folks I follow on Twitter. I could (and probably will) do another BLOG post on my Tai Chi experiences.

Finally, I'm happy to report that June has been a flare-free month! Who could ask for better?

Husband is finally back at work, full time. It's been very odd adjusting after having him home for 3 months. It has definitely put our "Twilightedness" to a test. It's easy to be Twilighted when you are together all day, every day. It's a little harder when you spend the day apart doing different things, living nearly separate lives. All in all, we've readjusted, realigned and are working very hard to meet our goal of working together. Let the Twilightedness continue!!

June has also been a month of adjusting to having all three......children (sometimes I have other words for them, like "urchins", "noise makers", "nerve wreckers") back at home. It's been a little rough, truly. They aren't used to being together all day, either. I think they have most of the fighting and arguing out of their systems and things are becoming more peaceful. More and more they are being referred to in more loving terms such as "sweet peas", "cutie pies", "love bugs". I think that's a sign of improvement.

Twitter has also opened my mind more to chronic illnesses. Not only because of my own suspicions of having PMR, but also because of some really great people I follow. There are some wonderful women who have Fibro and other "invisible illnesses" who inspire me. Of course I have a dear friend who has Fibro and I am able to see what a toll it takes on her life, daily. It's becoming a passion of mine to find, if not a cure, a way to identify flare triggers or other ways these women (myself included) can live a better quality of life.

I've crammed several months worth of experiences into this one post. There is so much more I could write. I wish I had taken the time to write out the 3 months spent with my husband and what a joy and an adventure that was. I'm not sure I can capture it as well in words now that the time has past.

This is a start of a new adventure, however, so hopefully I will be motivated to write more often.

wow. 2009.

It's baffling to me how it seems that Fate can store trouble up and let it all lose in one year. This is April. We've already seen my father-in-law diagnosed and in treatment for non-Hodgkins lymphoma. My husband has lost his job. We have walked with (too) many friends through very dark and difficult days. The last 24 hours have left me both ragged, and joyful. I'm facing PMR and what that means for the adjustments in my life. And then, today, I get the call I've been waiting for for a long time. My Dad is now being cared for by hospice. He's a chain smoker, you see. He isn't dying of lung cancer, as I would have predicted. He's' lungs are simply dying. They are trapping carbon dioxide, and he will be slowly poisoned to death. The doctors say he will just fall asleep and not wake up. I guess, that's as good a way as any to go. We're not particularly, close, but he is my Dad. I don't know how I will feel when the call comes. I've been preparing myself for this for a long time. He's had so many close calls and I've thought he was gone, more than once. But this is different. This is the end. It might be tomorrow, it might be next week, or next month or next year. But it's not likely to be that long. He is a DNR and will not be taken to the hospital. They wanted to put him in ICU today, but he refused.

As I type this, I feel no panic for all that we've been through and are still facing. I'm not sure if it's denial, or if it's that most perfect peace that was the gift of my Jesus before He left this place. I question if it will hold. I keep expecting to fall apart. But it doesn't come. I know it will.

My last year, like this one, was 19 years ago. The irony? This was the first year that I didn't feel the sting of all the tragedy from 1990. The first year I was unaffected. I guess it's good to let something old, go, so you can face something new?

It's one of those moments that I don't feel incredibly strong. At least I know what's coming, even if I don't know the details. 2009 is not going to let me go easily. It's time to light the lanterns and hunker down.

Storms are coming.

New Direction

This BLOG is taking a new direction. Sadly, or maybe not so. Folding Fitted Sheet is no longer about time management and organization for me, but for simply functioning. These days it's about as complicated as taming those elastic corners, but I'm determined to master it.

I've had mystery health problems for some time. The doctor I was seeing was slow in producing any results. Just before my husband lost his job and we lost our insurance, however, I had some blood tests done with some interesting results. So, I do what I always do. I started researching what would cause those results. I happened upon a condition and was both shocked and related when I read its symptoms. Shocked because it seems like something Doc should have obviously known about. The symptoms I had been telling him about for MONTHS were exactly those. To the "t", nearly without variation. Elated because now I know it's not all in my head. I read the description to my husband who agreed, yes! this is it.

So while I wait for an official diagnosis (after we are insured again), I have found a group to talk to and compare notes with, and am just sort of winging it based on what I know and what I have available to me. The condition is called Polymyalgia Rheumatica (or PMR). It's basically wide spread muscle aching and a few other irritating symptoms (low fever, hot flashes, fatigue) The most irritating part, to me, is that it is completely unpredictable. Today, I feel pretty good. A little achy, but not incapacitated. Last Tuesday, it was very difficult to even move around.

So here it is. My new "normal". I will now use this place to keep track of my pain level, symptoms, inspirations, research and day to day.......stuff. I've told VERY few people about this, so it will also be my place to muddle through my thoughts and ideas. I won't give up. I won't surrender to listlessness. There are too many people who count on me for me to not make this, somehow, work.

Here we go.......bouncing forward because I can't "bounce back".

Cirlces

I had a conversation with someone this morning that reminded me of a Covey "doctrine". He calls it our circles of influence. This person was upset about recent goings on in Washington. This person also has enough on her plate as a full-time mother of 2. The simple idea behind this concept is this: (using Washington as an example) I can not control what our President does. Even if an email from me made it to his desk, it's likely he could care less about my opinion. That's not an effective was to cause change. Change is caused in a ripple effect. Who can I influence? Who is it that cares about my opinion and considers it? I start there. That person probably has a different, and sometimes larger circle of influence. Once they are influenced, they can work on their circle.

Rosa Parks did not march on Washington. The slaves, didn't march on Washington. Rosa Parks used her influence right where she was. Those slaves in captivity who had no voice never gave up. Who did they influence? Their children. Reminding them that there was life outside of slavery. Teaching them about freedom despite the dismal prospects of it. That influence and spirit of change has affected an entire country if but only a little at a time. Look at the outcome!

So why the soapbox, today? We have so much responsibility in this life. We are stressed out beyond reason and so much of it is caused by stuff we have no control over, whatsoever. Some things that, even if we did have control over, are actually pointless or moot. We don't have to control EVERYTHING do we?

I know a couple of people, who, would be quite happy to simply have influence over themselves! They would be content to get through one day without panic. To make it a little further in the day before they surrender to the debilitating pain and take a pain pill.

Who do you have influence over today? Over what things do you have no influence whatsoever? In fact, over what things should you NOT have influence? The sun rising? The price of tea in China? The loss or gain of another?

More than anything else, this is an energy thing. Today, feel blessed for all that you have; for all that is right in your life. Make a list of all that vexes you and cross off the ones over which you have no influence or control. Now take the energy gained from focusing on the positive, and getting rid of the futile and spend it somewhere profitable. Use it to love someone a little more than usual; work a little harder; be a little kinder; change something small today.

We have only today in our grasp. Make it worth something to somebody if it's only yourself.

BLOGGING on the fly: Mean people stink!

I don't really have any particular insight today. Except maybe one: negative, mean, people make me tired.

I haven't done Tai Chi today and believe me when I say my Chi needs cleaned! I have seen, this week, unbelievable acts of mean-spiritedness. (is that a word?) If not, it should be. I see people all the time who try so hard to stay focused on the postive aspects of their life, only to have someone close to them tear them down.

There people like this among us and we might be completely unaware. You don't know what happened last night to that person in the elevator, or the lady in the coffee shop. My point is that it NEVER hurts to be NICE to people wherever you encounter them. If this is true for perfect strangers, it is even more so for those we love. (or who we claim to love)

Kindess can heal inury, save a marriage, raise a child, encouarge the sick, and refuel the caregivers. In unimaginable ways, simple kindness can change your life and those you encounter.

I'm beat today!!! I've spent much engery this week counseling people who have been afflicted by someone else's mean-ness. One hateful remark to someone who loves you can be so harmful. Imagine what it can do when repeated over and over, again.

Be positive. Think nice thoughts. See the good in others. Act in kindness. Be mindful of the affect you have on others. It's much greater than you might think.

Encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 1 Thess. 5;14

The Key to Destiny is Willingness

I can't take credit for this blog title. There is a book called "The Key: And the Name of the Key is Willingness" (Cheri Huber, June Shiver). I haven't read this book, its title sent my mind on an adventure.

"Be the change you want to see in the world"; "Keep on doing what you've always done and you'll keep on getting what you've always got"; (and my favorite) "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" ~ Albert Einstein. We've all read these. We probably even have them as a tag line on our email or Myspace page. The concept is simple, we can create change if we are willing.

I know this seems like a simple obvious concept, but the implications on our life is huge! It means that there is almost nothing that we can't not fix or alter for the better.

Here are some examples from my life: I could drive a new car and live in a big house if I am willing to put my kids in daycare. I'm not willing. If I would follow "Kelly The Flylady's" nighttime routine, my life would be amazingly more organized. I'm not willing. My friend who can't get her house clean, lose weight, feel better, or sleep more could do all of those things if she would just turn off the TV. She's not willing.

In my belief system I believe that my destiny is determined by God, and, therefore, is perfect. That's the potential: a perfected destiny. Am I willing to submit completely to the will of my God?

As you can see this simple thing can affect whether or not your foyer is tidy because you take 5 extra seconds to hang up your coat, to whether or not you fulfill your spiritual destiny. Whatever your roadblock is you ask yourself two questions: what will it take to change this? Am I willing?

I would be remiss to not talk for just a second about the things we can NOT change. There are things that we do not have control over. We do not have control over our spouse's chronic illness. We DO have control over our response to it. We DO have control over our perception of that person. We can change how we treat that person and ask ourselves: what am I willing to do to help him/her through this? What am I willing to do to make sure their needs and my own are being met? What am I willing to do to ensure my lifelong vow to this person is fulfilled in a Godly way?

What are you willing to do to gain a new perspective on that child that isn't meeting your expectations? or just isn't what you thought they would be? What are you willing to do to change the way you respond to that friend that is suffering because of his/her own decisions? You can't make them do things differently, but you can be an example of change, and love them through it.

Pick one thing today, something simple, that you want to affect. Ask yourself what you need to do to change it. Ask yourself if you are willing.

This is my simple one: I want to change my croproom from a disaster area to a retreat. I'm going to have to get rid of some stuff. I am willing to remove or throw away the clutter that is causing the chaos.

Some things will take time and you will have to change a bad habit into a good one. However, once you've realized this, that you have the power to change something, and you are not willing, then you no longer have a right to whine about it!

Good luck and don't forget to share your questions, comments, or success!

The Famous To-Do List

This is needed for busy Moms as much as it is for any professional. Lets make this realistic, we are never going to get it all done, ever. You are too busy to read a long blog so here's the goal of your list:

Write out your Top 10 and put stars by the once that, if not done today, a disaster will ensue. Your goal is to complete your Top 3. If you get more than that done, then kudos for you! Do you top three and go to bed tonight feeling like you've actually been productive today!

Have more time, right now? Read further:

It's important to get to a point where your entire list is not your top priority. When you have had to put things off for to long, you may realize that everything you just wrote down is urgent. There is a model for this compiled by Stephen Covey and yes! I do recommend reading his books! He divides tasks into categories the two I want to focus on today are Urgent and Important.

Urgent are things that may not be all that important but you are running out of time to get them done and you must do them today. But they may also be Urgent & Important. These things will need to be your Top 3. They are likely to be your stressors. I have been putting off calling the bowling alley for our Scout Pack for a week. Last week this task was important. I've put it off, now it is Urgent & Important. For more and better worded explanation of this see this link http://www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/7-habits/7-habits.htm Read the whole page if you have time, if not scroll to the bottom and look at the "Time Matrix"