Run for it!

Today's BLOG is therapy.

I woke up at 1:00 am with an anxiety attack. It would subside while I was awake but the second I would drift into sleep, it would kick back in. Quite literally, kicking me out of bed.

I'm no virgin to panic attacks, I've had a few. I have a little mantra I chant to myself until the panic subsides. But this was a different kind of animal. There seemed to be no source: fear of loss, nightmare, overdrawn bank account. Try as I might, I couldn't identify a trigger. If I could just FIND the source, I could start talking my way out of it. I have only had one other like this, which I wrote off to heat exhaustion and being isolated in a tent in the middle of the woods.

Eventually, it went away, and I fell asleep into blissfully happy dreams.

Then I woke up.

I'm not in panic mode today. But I do feel anxious and irritable. I'm reflecting because I want this feeling to go away. I read two things from other writers in the last two days: one discussed "running" from your situation, and how you can't run from yourself. That is relevant because that's what I feel like doing. Not driving, but taking off on foot, as fast as I can. From what? To where?

The second writer talked about curling into the fetal position and rocking back and forth. I laugh as I reflect on her post because she felt like she was crazy. She felt like SHE was crazy? Sister, I relate believe me! Either neither one of us are crazy or we both are. I guess, no matter, we're in good company.

So on to the therapy section of this post, now that I have identified the physical reaction. I read a really great article on personal "tipping points". How doctors need to look at the total package when treating patients to determine the possible effects their lives may be having on their health.

Is that me? Did I reach a tipping point yesterday? Nothing eventful happened. I mean, its just the same old stuff that's be going on for a while, now. Why, at that particular moment, did I just feel like I was going to blast off into space? Why do I still feel that way?

I do wish I could run away. I'm not happy where I'm at right now, everything has turned on its head. The only thing I can liken it to is being in a life preserver treading water. But none of that is new. We really need to catch a break somewhere. So many unexpected good things have come along, which is where I got the life preserver, to start with. But my arms are growing tired from treading. Every time I get a corner tucked in, the opposite one pops out. I don't need to run, I need the Coast Guard. I need a life boat. I need a superhero. I need something truly, and wonderfully good, to pull these burdens off of my heart. God will not let me drown. He has given me everything I need to stay afloat, but there have been no easy answers. I think he expects me to swim to shore. Ever tried to run in the water? Yes. That's about what it feels like right now.

I'm going to do my best today and not try to run in the water. It's exhausting. I'm going to try to tip my head back, and just float. I'm not getting too far any other way.

P.S.
Do you know what I noticed in my spell check? How closely "preserver" is to "perservere". Hmmm.

Where art thou blogger?

I've been on hiatus from blogging. Because I haven't had anything worthy of writing and because I have not had access to the laptop. Blogging on my iPod is completely ununfeasible.

Folding Fitted Sheets, again, took on a new meaning for me this month, when my dryer broke. It's fixed now, finally, but I spent a week hanging laundry on a clothes line. I was amazed at how wonderful those fitted sheets smelled when I took them off the line. It makes my whole linen closet smell fabulous! Needless to say, even though the dryer is fixed, the clothesline is still up and running. It's almost meditative to hang out the wash. It's quiet, expect for the birds and the breeze and the sound of sheets snapping in the wind.

Speaking of meditative, June has been a great month for Tai Chi. We are nearly 2/3rds of the way through the form. It has become more difficult but also more rewarding. I've been getting amazing information and encouragement from the Tai Chi folks I follow on Twitter. I could (and probably will) do another BLOG post on my Tai Chi experiences.

Finally, I'm happy to report that June has been a flare-free month! Who could ask for better?

Husband is finally back at work, full time. It's been very odd adjusting after having him home for 3 months. It has definitely put our "Twilightedness" to a test. It's easy to be Twilighted when you are together all day, every day. It's a little harder when you spend the day apart doing different things, living nearly separate lives. All in all, we've readjusted, realigned and are working very hard to meet our goal of working together. Let the Twilightedness continue!!

June has also been a month of adjusting to having all three......children (sometimes I have other words for them, like "urchins", "noise makers", "nerve wreckers") back at home. It's been a little rough, truly. They aren't used to being together all day, either. I think they have most of the fighting and arguing out of their systems and things are becoming more peaceful. More and more they are being referred to in more loving terms such as "sweet peas", "cutie pies", "love bugs". I think that's a sign of improvement.

Twitter has also opened my mind more to chronic illnesses. Not only because of my own suspicions of having PMR, but also because of some really great people I follow. There are some wonderful women who have Fibro and other "invisible illnesses" who inspire me. Of course I have a dear friend who has Fibro and I am able to see what a toll it takes on her life, daily. It's becoming a passion of mine to find, if not a cure, a way to identify flare triggers or other ways these women (myself included) can live a better quality of life.

I've crammed several months worth of experiences into this one post. There is so much more I could write. I wish I had taken the time to write out the 3 months spent with my husband and what a joy and an adventure that was. I'm not sure I can capture it as well in words now that the time has past.

This is a start of a new adventure, however, so hopefully I will be motivated to write more often.