It's baffling to me how it seems that Fate can store trouble up and let it all lose in one year. This is April. We've already seen my father-in-law diagnosed and in treatment for non-Hodgkins lymphoma. My husband has lost his job. We have walked with (too) many friends through very dark and difficult days. The last 24 hours have left me both ragged, and joyful. I'm facing PMR and what that means for the adjustments in my life. And then, today, I get the call I've been waiting for for a long time. My Dad is now being cared for by hospice. He's a chain smoker, you see. He isn't dying of lung cancer, as I would have predicted. He's' lungs are simply dying. They are trapping carbon dioxide, and he will be slowly poisoned to death. The doctors say he will just fall asleep and not wake up. I guess, that's as good a way as any to go. We're not particularly, close, but he is my Dad. I don't know how I will feel when the call comes. I've been preparing myself for this for a long time. He's had so many close calls and I've thought he was gone, more than once. But this is different. This is the end. It might be tomorrow, it might be next week, or next month or next year. But it's not likely to be that long. He is a DNR and will not be taken to the hospital. They wanted to put him in ICU today, but he refused.
As I type this, I feel no panic for all that we've been through and are still facing. I'm not sure if it's denial, or if it's that most perfect peace that was the gift of my Jesus before He left this place. I question if it will hold. I keep expecting to fall apart. But it doesn't come. I know it will.
My last year, like this one, was 19 years ago. The irony? This was the first year that I didn't feel the sting of all the tragedy from 1990. The first year I was unaffected. I guess it's good to let something old, go, so you can face something new?
It's one of those moments that I don't feel incredibly strong. At least I know what's coming, even if I don't know the details. 2009 is not going to let me go easily. It's time to light the lanterns and hunker down.
Storms are coming.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
New Direction
This BLOG is taking a new direction. Sadly, or maybe not so. Folding Fitted Sheet is no longer about time management and organization for me, but for simply functioning. These days it's about as complicated as taming those elastic corners, but I'm determined to master it.
I've had mystery health problems for some time. The doctor I was seeing was slow in producing any results. Just before my husband lost his job and we lost our insurance, however, I had some blood tests done with some interesting results. So, I do what I always do. I started researching what would cause those results. I happened upon a condition and was both shocked and related when I read its symptoms. Shocked because it seems like something Doc should have obviously known about. The symptoms I had been telling him about for MONTHS were exactly those. To the "t", nearly without variation. Elated because now I know it's not all in my head. I read the description to my husband who agreed, yes! this is it.
So while I wait for an official diagnosis (after we are insured again), I have found a group to talk to and compare notes with, and am just sort of winging it based on what I know and what I have available to me. The condition is called Polymyalgia Rheumatica (or PMR). It's basically wide spread muscle aching and a few other irritating symptoms (low fever, hot flashes, fatigue) The most irritating part, to me, is that it is completely unpredictable. Today, I feel pretty good. A little achy, but not incapacitated. Last Tuesday, it was very difficult to even move around.
So here it is. My new "normal". I will now use this place to keep track of my pain level, symptoms, inspirations, research and day to day.......stuff. I've told VERY few people about this, so it will also be my place to muddle through my thoughts and ideas. I won't give up. I won't surrender to listlessness. There are too many people who count on me for me to not make this, somehow, work.
Here we go.......bouncing forward because I can't "bounce back".
I've had mystery health problems for some time. The doctor I was seeing was slow in producing any results. Just before my husband lost his job and we lost our insurance, however, I had some blood tests done with some interesting results. So, I do what I always do. I started researching what would cause those results. I happened upon a condition and was both shocked and related when I read its symptoms. Shocked because it seems like something Doc should have obviously known about. The symptoms I had been telling him about for MONTHS were exactly those. To the "t", nearly without variation. Elated because now I know it's not all in my head. I read the description to my husband who agreed, yes! this is it.
So while I wait for an official diagnosis (after we are insured again), I have found a group to talk to and compare notes with, and am just sort of winging it based on what I know and what I have available to me. The condition is called Polymyalgia Rheumatica (or PMR). It's basically wide spread muscle aching and a few other irritating symptoms (low fever, hot flashes, fatigue) The most irritating part, to me, is that it is completely unpredictable. Today, I feel pretty good. A little achy, but not incapacitated. Last Tuesday, it was very difficult to even move around.
So here it is. My new "normal". I will now use this place to keep track of my pain level, symptoms, inspirations, research and day to day.......stuff. I've told VERY few people about this, so it will also be my place to muddle through my thoughts and ideas. I won't give up. I won't surrender to listlessness. There are too many people who count on me for me to not make this, somehow, work.
Here we go.......bouncing forward because I can't "bounce back".
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