I've already posted once today, but would be remiss not to share this.
So right after I lost my job I got a call from a friend. She said a mutual friend let her know that she heard a message in church that Sunday and that she was certain it was a message that I needed to hear. Aside from wondering why, if that be the case, God didn't lay this message on the heart of my own preacher, I was all ears.
She said the message was from Nehemiah and that it was about the walls of Jerusalem being rebuilt. The message to me and my husband was that the walls would be rebuilt. Our lives would be restored.
Nice message. Nice thought. I will admit I was not in a great place, emotionally, speaking, but I stored it away and like Mary, "pondered it in my heart". And it stayed back there in the back of my head. A constant theme in my prayers, analogies, thoughts. I drew hope from this message. I had peace.
Along the way there was hassle and disappointment but I clung to the thought anyway as more and more I saw the vision of what being rebuilt would look like.
Two weeks ago I found out my husband's former company was rehiring. This was his dream job. The company that laid him off and started this whole craziness we've been living in. A week ago he found out they were flying him to Dallas for an interview. Yesterday he went to Dallas and today he was told he was HIRED.. Nearly THREE years of unemployment, Friends! It's over. If you have read my monster of a post from earlier this week you know all the other stuff we have gone through, things we have lost.
I went to email one of our Elders and thought it would be nice to quote a passage from Nehemiah. I didn't find one that I wanted to use. What I DID find was this:
Nehemiah 6:15-16
The Wall Completed
15 The wall was completed in 52 days, on the twenty- fifth day of the month Elul. 16 When all our enemies heard this, all the surrounding nations were intimidated and lost their confidence, for they realized that this task had been accomplished by our God.
I hadn't read this far when my friend first called me. Why didn't I? I couldnt see past my own disappointment at that moment to believe. I was like Sarah, I laughed. If I had only read a little further, then, I would have been told right then what God meant to accomplish. When I read this, I had to go look at my emails! Do you want to guess how many days it was since we received this "message"? Yes, 52 days. In 52 days God rebuilt our walls.
Why wasn't this message given to my minister? Really? Is it all about me? I have 2 friends now who heard the message and believed. They both were convinced it was for me to hear and delivered to me. What do you suppose this has done for their faith?
Let me tell you something. If you are struggling. If trials surround you on every side and you just don't know if even hears you, let me assure you, He does. It's been my experience that the problem is that there is something keeping YOU from hearing HIM. I can talk about this with conviction and assurance because I'm on the other side of it now. I've been down in the valley. For a LONG time I was in the valley. Now I'm on the mountaintop (or at least I think I am, I can't imagine it gets any better than this!) and I'm sending out the message: God is still here! He still moves among us. Through His word and through His Spirit. Pray that God will help you let go of whatever it blocking your sight and when you do receive direction, act on it! It takes faith, but what other choice do you have?
Jehovah Jirah. The God that sees.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Alien Inside Me
Some days it seems I will never be able to get up. When I first woke up my pain level was lower. It's crawling upward. That's literally what it feels like: pain crawling through me. It moves, or spreads, rather. What started in my back this morning has now stretched its arms and legs into my shoulders and hands. Maybe if I think of the pain as a symbiotic being living within me I could tolerate it better. Give it a name, an identity. Then either befriend it, or cast it out. (anyone else visualizing The Host, here?) In many ways that's what a Fibro diagnosis is like. A new element takes residence in your life and seeks to take over. It changes your body, your brain, your activities, even your sleep. For the most part you are at Its mercy. Believe me! Most people will find it just as likely that your body has been invaded by an alien as they will believe you are actually ill with an "invisible illness". So let's just have fun with this analogy, shall we?
In the beginning you may lose yourself to It, mourning your former life, activities, sometimes even your loved ones as those you used to do things may withdraw from you. Later you try remember who you were before and may become motivated to reclaim yourself! That's where I am.
I've given up activities, lost friends. Thank God, He sent me a husband who believes in forever! Who stands by his vow of "in sickness and in health". So day by day I spend a bit of time considering what I can do to either live a fuller life with my new "friend", put it to sleep with pain pills, eradicate it with vitamins and diet change (if that's even possible), or simply embrace it and lay down with it. Some days I get farther than others, more motivated, and that's what this BLOG is about.
Regardless of which choice I make, my life is mine! I want it back. I will claim it back with my new friend tagging along or without. Remembering what I love about my life and doing a little of that every day (even if only minutes), is my instant victory. One day, with God's help, it will be more than minutes and my life will be fully my own again.
If you are suffering from something chronic or life changing (illness, depression, grief) I ask you to subscribe to this BLOG and share with me. The journey is easier if you walk with a friend, sharing your struggles and victories. I welcome your comments and encouragement.
P.S. Leave comments to suggest a name for my bodily inhabitant. Although "Flo" would be appropriate at the moment, let's try for something else. Flo is my alien's cousin. They don't play well together. :)
In the beginning you may lose yourself to It, mourning your former life, activities, sometimes even your loved ones as those you used to do things may withdraw from you. Later you try remember who you were before and may become motivated to reclaim yourself! That's where I am.
I've given up activities, lost friends. Thank God, He sent me a husband who believes in forever! Who stands by his vow of "in sickness and in health". So day by day I spend a bit of time considering what I can do to either live a fuller life with my new "friend", put it to sleep with pain pills, eradicate it with vitamins and diet change (if that's even possible), or simply embrace it and lay down with it. Some days I get farther than others, more motivated, and that's what this BLOG is about.
Regardless of which choice I make, my life is mine! I want it back. I will claim it back with my new friend tagging along or without. Remembering what I love about my life and doing a little of that every day (even if only minutes), is my instant victory. One day, with God's help, it will be more than minutes and my life will be fully my own again.
If you are suffering from something chronic or life changing (illness, depression, grief) I ask you to subscribe to this BLOG and share with me. The journey is easier if you walk with a friend, sharing your struggles and victories. I welcome your comments and encouragement.
P.S. Leave comments to suggest a name for my bodily inhabitant. Although "Flo" would be appropriate at the moment, let's try for something else. Flo is my alien's cousin. They don't play well together. :)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The short version
"Many people grow bitter and angry with God because he failed to keep a promise that he never made"
From Twitter https://twitter.com/herroheroux/status/152109979204206593
From Twitter https://twitter.com/herroheroux/status/152109979204206593
Starting over: About Me
I'm restarting this BLOG. I have interest in doing so for several reasons: 1) I have a chornic illness: Fibromyalgia and I need a way to track the "tests" I do to see what causes flares and what makes me better 2) I have a story to tell-one of God's amazing mercy 3) Like any other BLOGGER I have thoughts I want to get out of my head and on to paper. What you will read about on my BLOG will likely pertain my Christianity, Fibromyalgia, TaiChi (or lack of practice of), homemaking, organizing (hopefully), and maybe some crafts or receipes, who knows!
Folding Fitted Sheets seems as "fitting" as ever as life ever deals circumstances that makes it difficult to keep the corners tucked in. Sometimes you just don't have the energy so you wad the sheet up and stick it into the closet, or leave it in a laundry basket until you are ready to change the sheets again. And you know what? That's ok. Folding Fitted Sheets takes practice, and it's trickey, just like life, and sometimes you drop a corner and you just have to start over. That's the perspective and the explanation of the name of this BLOG.
This is going to be a long post. I promise not to make them all this long.
I am restarting this after a season of losses. Some of the older posts start the story in 2009. It's 2012 and we're not out of the storm quite yet. While in the storm I couldn't write about it. The day to day was too hard. Writing about it while you are living it is just sometimes too much. I'm going to hit the high points here just so you can know where I'm coming from. The timeline goes something like this:
In late 2008 I began to get pain in my back. It was so bad, I could sleep, couldn't walk, it was debilitating. I went to my doctor who was not only no help at all, but treated me like a pill seeker. He had been my doctor for nearly 15 years! Also in late 2008, I was laid off from my job which was only part time, but I enjoyed it. And a month later, my father in law was dignosed with Lyphoma. This was a huge blow as he was the pillar of our family. (yes, "was", you already know this doesn't end happily).
In January 2009 a good friend needed a place to get back on her feet so she moved in with us, sometimes, that's a bad idea. In March my husband was laid off from his job. In April another dear friend lost her 2 year old son. He died in the middle of the night from a seizure. It broke our hearts. Also in April my best friend and her husband went through something very bad in their marriage. We sat with them, prayed with, cried with, and counseld them. It was a very hard month for our hearting hearts. (But guess what? That story DID have a happy ending!) In May my Dad was put in hospice care due to advanced COPD. It was at this point that we had decided to stop answering the phone. About this time, we had figured out through research and lab work that I had a disorder called Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PMR). It differs slightly from Fibro but that's another post. We didn't have insurance and could not afford a rheumotologist. I stayed in constant pain. In August my Dad suffered a stroke and was placed in a nursing home by my step-mother who no longer wanted to care for him. I was not able to care for him either. With 3 children of my own and my health deterorating, it wasn't possible. In addition, we had not room. I had to leave him there, and hour & 1/2 away. In September after months of radiation and chemotherapy, my Father-in-Law fell off a ladder and had to have his leg amputated from the knee down. This surgery caused the cancer to spread EVERYwhere. My husband found some odd jobs here and there and the bills were paid but barely. I don't remember much about the last part of 2009 other than in December my husband was offered a job for a finance company. We had pursused it hard and took it without question. It seemed to be the end of our financial plight. We had figured it out. (ha! That's were we first went wrong)
2010: The job was a nightmare. The owners were crooks and when my husband refused to do something illegal, he was fired in March for insubordation. We were exhausted. I said to God "I cant take any more!" In May I left my life of 9 years as a SAHM and went back to work full time. The job was a huge blessing! My husband went back to school full time. Life sifted on, never knowing what the next thing would be to come to us. In July we lost our beloved cat who got trapped underneath the garage door. (it couldn't have been one of the other cats that we never see, it was our baby!) My husband had just lost his grandfather and when the cat incident happened he lost what control he has mantained over the last year and 1/2 and punched our garage door. and broke his hand. 6 weeks in a cast and a LOT of pain. I worked, it was hard. I missed my kids, I missed my life, my husband was barely functioning. We were surving on 1 income and my husband's unemployment. In October, my father-in-law passed away after a long, slow, painful, illness. It was a loss so great, I don't have words. I just worked, and worked, and worked. In November my husband was diagnosed with "situational depression" (more commonly known as a nervous breakdown) He slept through life, I worked through life. Christmas was a thinly veiled cover of saddness. Thank God, kids are resilient. After that things leveled out in the "bad news" department.
2011: My job remained the dream job until about May. In March I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which was a huge blow. PMR goes away after a few years. Fibro, doesn't. I will never be "better". Thats a hard reality to ace. My husband finished his degree (yay!) and was doing a lot better with his depression. Healing was slowly coming to us. We tried hard. Over the summer, the firm I worked for doubled in size. My husband still was having trouble finding a job. So I worked. A lot. This entire year has been a blur. I started realizing that I didn't know anything outside of work. It was my entire life. And then, one day out of the blue. I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. He was "the" ex-boyfriend. You know? THAT one? The only one my husband ever "worried" about. Seeing him made me remember who I was when I was 20. What I wanted. The view of life I had. And my life? Was NOT it. Giving the very best of myself to bosses who couldn't be pleased. Working extreme hours for a job that would never be done. And killing myself because my Firbro...well, lets just say my body was incredibly unhappy. I started realizng I was in a tail spin. My faith was splintered into almost nothing. Where was God? Where had he been throug all of this? There were no answered prayers. There were not open doors letting us out. It was one blow after another and another. I'll never compare myself to Job who lost his entire family, but I could definitely identify. A few weeks later, my Dad died. We had a weird relationship, he and I. And I was surprised at the hundred ways I broke apart when he was gone. I couldn't take any more emotional pain, so I didn't go sit with him in the nursing home. I left him there to die alone with the hospice nurse. Would I change that? My heart says yes, but my head says no. I was so broken already at that point that to sit there,for an indeterminate amount of time, and watch him die...I couldn't do it. I should mention that he wasn't conscious. He would not have know I was there. Judge that decision if you will, I probably deserve it. But we all have to face these things and do with them what we can. My heart still hurts. The loss swept my legs out from under me. My job & employers were merciless and demanded the same level of performance, and then some. I worked the day after my Dad died - a Sunday. I had 2 days to get all of my Dad's belonging moved to my house, make cremation arrangements (per his wishes) and take care of all the lose ends. Even then, my employers were quite put out with my absense. Oh, how much power and money can change someone in a short amount of time. By then, our firm had tripled in size. In re-reading I'm realizing that this overview of mere words isn't doing justice to what life was like. Without sounding overly dramatic, there just isn't a way to express the amount of despair my husband and I were in.
The bible tells us God will never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can withstand. My temptation? To walk away. From God, from my life, from everything. I was giving up.
I cried out.
From the depths of who I was I cried to God "is THIS what you want? Im about to fall! I can't fight it, I don't have the strength. I'm at my breaking point. Do you want me to fall??!!!"
Peace came. I let go. I gave up. I free fell into God's arms. Exhausted. I handed to him what was left of my tattered faith, and of my broken heart, knowing that what He planned to do with it, might not be to my liking.
I was right.
At the end of October I was fired.
We had nothing. Neither of us had jobs. Something inside of me broke entirely. I slept for almost 2 weeks from sheer exhaustion: mental, physical, spiritutal. The day after I was fired we received a sizable check in the mail from a lady at chruch. Her enclosed letter said "Praise God through whom all blessings flow!" She could not have known what just happened. She sent it, she said, because God told her to send it.
Our church family rallied around us like an army of angels.
I did not attempt to go back to work. I'll write about that later. Because after I came out of the fog-post job loss-I began to hear God. I had finally gotten quiet. Finally, I was still enough to hear Him. I read Psalms day and night. I no longer asked "Why aren't you answering our prayers? Why have you left us to ruin?" Because I could see that we were far from forsaken. Oh no, indeed, we had received a gift beyond measure! How many people do you know that can suffer the loss of income we had and not lose their home?
God has provided for us all along. We had everything we need. Even in the midst of neither of us having jobs, we wanted for nothing. We did make sacrifices of course: of comfort, of pride. But it's nothing we have even missed.
My faith is no longer in my savings account, (which, by the way, was $10k strong when this whole thing started). I no longer have fear of loss. I have learned that God is our only provider. We are a picture to others of His ability to care for His children. Matthew says "consider the lillies, they do not toil". God says to those to know us "Consider the Andersons.....I have provided for them and carried them through" And I hope He adds to that "....because they were faithful."
Where are we today? I am home with my children. My husband has taken a temporary assignement, the first that has ever been offered to him. More, his former company, the one that laid him off in 2009, is flying him to Dallas tomorrow for an inteview for a new position they have created here. We are wrapped in a big peaceful blanket like nothing I have ever experienced.
The walls are being rebuilt, we are being restored. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago (before the Dallas thing came up) that I was climbing through a ceiling, through an attic, breaking through insulation, wood, and into the most beautiful room I have ever seen. A room that was beautifully designed to my liking. My "dream" room. I woke up with the peaceful feeling of promised beauty. I know that place awaits me. Up through the dirty attic. Climbing through the dust that weighs heavy on our heads.
If you are struggling, if trials surround you, let this BLOG be an encouragement to you. God will not fail you. Not ever. He wants nothing less than your full trust and faith. You may think you've givien it, but if you are suffering trial after trial after trial and loss after loss, I'm going to bet you've not given it all. It's frustrating becuase you believe that you have! You believe you have given all you can. It's not until you really do that you see how much you are holding on to. Beth Moore said something like "You can tell how much of your life you are trying to control by the heaviness of your heart. Carrying God's load is a big job" (I'm sure I didn't get that all right, but the sentiment is there) Your heart and load will continue to be heavy, friends, until you let go and free fall into His arms. My advice would be to do it sooner rather than later.
Oh, how blessed I am. How amazed I am at the gift God has given us. The gift of heavenly perspective.
Folding Fitted Sheets seems as "fitting" as ever as life ever deals circumstances that makes it difficult to keep the corners tucked in. Sometimes you just don't have the energy so you wad the sheet up and stick it into the closet, or leave it in a laundry basket until you are ready to change the sheets again. And you know what? That's ok. Folding Fitted Sheets takes practice, and it's trickey, just like life, and sometimes you drop a corner and you just have to start over. That's the perspective and the explanation of the name of this BLOG.
This is going to be a long post. I promise not to make them all this long.
I am restarting this after a season of losses. Some of the older posts start the story in 2009. It's 2012 and we're not out of the storm quite yet. While in the storm I couldn't write about it. The day to day was too hard. Writing about it while you are living it is just sometimes too much. I'm going to hit the high points here just so you can know where I'm coming from. The timeline goes something like this:
In late 2008 I began to get pain in my back. It was so bad, I could sleep, couldn't walk, it was debilitating. I went to my doctor who was not only no help at all, but treated me like a pill seeker. He had been my doctor for nearly 15 years! Also in late 2008, I was laid off from my job which was only part time, but I enjoyed it. And a month later, my father in law was dignosed with Lyphoma. This was a huge blow as he was the pillar of our family. (yes, "was", you already know this doesn't end happily).
In January 2009 a good friend needed a place to get back on her feet so she moved in with us, sometimes, that's a bad idea. In March my husband was laid off from his job. In April another dear friend lost her 2 year old son. He died in the middle of the night from a seizure. It broke our hearts. Also in April my best friend and her husband went through something very bad in their marriage. We sat with them, prayed with, cried with, and counseld them. It was a very hard month for our hearting hearts. (But guess what? That story DID have a happy ending!) In May my Dad was put in hospice care due to advanced COPD. It was at this point that we had decided to stop answering the phone. About this time, we had figured out through research and lab work that I had a disorder called Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PMR). It differs slightly from Fibro but that's another post. We didn't have insurance and could not afford a rheumotologist. I stayed in constant pain. In August my Dad suffered a stroke and was placed in a nursing home by my step-mother who no longer wanted to care for him. I was not able to care for him either. With 3 children of my own and my health deterorating, it wasn't possible. In addition, we had not room. I had to leave him there, and hour & 1/2 away. In September after months of radiation and chemotherapy, my Father-in-Law fell off a ladder and had to have his leg amputated from the knee down. This surgery caused the cancer to spread EVERYwhere. My husband found some odd jobs here and there and the bills were paid but barely. I don't remember much about the last part of 2009 other than in December my husband was offered a job for a finance company. We had pursused it hard and took it without question. It seemed to be the end of our financial plight. We had figured it out. (ha! That's were we first went wrong)
2010: The job was a nightmare. The owners were crooks and when my husband refused to do something illegal, he was fired in March for insubordation. We were exhausted. I said to God "I cant take any more!" In May I left my life of 9 years as a SAHM and went back to work full time. The job was a huge blessing! My husband went back to school full time. Life sifted on, never knowing what the next thing would be to come to us. In July we lost our beloved cat who got trapped underneath the garage door. (it couldn't have been one of the other cats that we never see, it was our baby!) My husband had just lost his grandfather and when the cat incident happened he lost what control he has mantained over the last year and 1/2 and punched our garage door. and broke his hand. 6 weeks in a cast and a LOT of pain. I worked, it was hard. I missed my kids, I missed my life, my husband was barely functioning. We were surving on 1 income and my husband's unemployment. In October, my father-in-law passed away after a long, slow, painful, illness. It was a loss so great, I don't have words. I just worked, and worked, and worked. In November my husband was diagnosed with "situational depression" (more commonly known as a nervous breakdown) He slept through life, I worked through life. Christmas was a thinly veiled cover of saddness. Thank God, kids are resilient. After that things leveled out in the "bad news" department.
2011: My job remained the dream job until about May. In March I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which was a huge blow. PMR goes away after a few years. Fibro, doesn't. I will never be "better". Thats a hard reality to ace. My husband finished his degree (yay!) and was doing a lot better with his depression. Healing was slowly coming to us. We tried hard. Over the summer, the firm I worked for doubled in size. My husband still was having trouble finding a job. So I worked. A lot. This entire year has been a blur. I started realizing that I didn't know anything outside of work. It was my entire life. And then, one day out of the blue. I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. He was "the" ex-boyfriend. You know? THAT one? The only one my husband ever "worried" about. Seeing him made me remember who I was when I was 20. What I wanted. The view of life I had. And my life? Was NOT it. Giving the very best of myself to bosses who couldn't be pleased. Working extreme hours for a job that would never be done. And killing myself because my Firbro...well, lets just say my body was incredibly unhappy. I started realizng I was in a tail spin. My faith was splintered into almost nothing. Where was God? Where had he been throug all of this? There were no answered prayers. There were not open doors letting us out. It was one blow after another and another. I'll never compare myself to Job who lost his entire family, but I could definitely identify. A few weeks later, my Dad died. We had a weird relationship, he and I. And I was surprised at the hundred ways I broke apart when he was gone. I couldn't take any more emotional pain, so I didn't go sit with him in the nursing home. I left him there to die alone with the hospice nurse. Would I change that? My heart says yes, but my head says no. I was so broken already at that point that to sit there,for an indeterminate amount of time, and watch him die...I couldn't do it. I should mention that he wasn't conscious. He would not have know I was there. Judge that decision if you will, I probably deserve it. But we all have to face these things and do with them what we can. My heart still hurts. The loss swept my legs out from under me. My job & employers were merciless and demanded the same level of performance, and then some. I worked the day after my Dad died - a Sunday. I had 2 days to get all of my Dad's belonging moved to my house, make cremation arrangements (per his wishes) and take care of all the lose ends. Even then, my employers were quite put out with my absense. Oh, how much power and money can change someone in a short amount of time. By then, our firm had tripled in size. In re-reading I'm realizing that this overview of mere words isn't doing justice to what life was like. Without sounding overly dramatic, there just isn't a way to express the amount of despair my husband and I were in.
The bible tells us God will never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can withstand. My temptation? To walk away. From God, from my life, from everything. I was giving up.
I cried out.
From the depths of who I was I cried to God "is THIS what you want? Im about to fall! I can't fight it, I don't have the strength. I'm at my breaking point. Do you want me to fall??!!!"
Peace came. I let go. I gave up. I free fell into God's arms. Exhausted. I handed to him what was left of my tattered faith, and of my broken heart, knowing that what He planned to do with it, might not be to my liking.
I was right.
At the end of October I was fired.
We had nothing. Neither of us had jobs. Something inside of me broke entirely. I slept for almost 2 weeks from sheer exhaustion: mental, physical, spiritutal. The day after I was fired we received a sizable check in the mail from a lady at chruch. Her enclosed letter said "Praise God through whom all blessings flow!" She could not have known what just happened. She sent it, she said, because God told her to send it.
Our church family rallied around us like an army of angels.
I did not attempt to go back to work. I'll write about that later. Because after I came out of the fog-post job loss-I began to hear God. I had finally gotten quiet. Finally, I was still enough to hear Him. I read Psalms day and night. I no longer asked "Why aren't you answering our prayers? Why have you left us to ruin?" Because I could see that we were far from forsaken. Oh no, indeed, we had received a gift beyond measure! How many people do you know that can suffer the loss of income we had and not lose their home?
God has provided for us all along. We had everything we need. Even in the midst of neither of us having jobs, we wanted for nothing. We did make sacrifices of course: of comfort, of pride. But it's nothing we have even missed.
My faith is no longer in my savings account, (which, by the way, was $10k strong when this whole thing started). I no longer have fear of loss. I have learned that God is our only provider. We are a picture to others of His ability to care for His children. Matthew says "consider the lillies, they do not toil". God says to those to know us "Consider the Andersons.....I have provided for them and carried them through" And I hope He adds to that "....because they were faithful."
Where are we today? I am home with my children. My husband has taken a temporary assignement, the first that has ever been offered to him. More, his former company, the one that laid him off in 2009, is flying him to Dallas tomorrow for an inteview for a new position they have created here. We are wrapped in a big peaceful blanket like nothing I have ever experienced.
The walls are being rebuilt, we are being restored. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago (before the Dallas thing came up) that I was climbing through a ceiling, through an attic, breaking through insulation, wood, and into the most beautiful room I have ever seen. A room that was beautifully designed to my liking. My "dream" room. I woke up with the peaceful feeling of promised beauty. I know that place awaits me. Up through the dirty attic. Climbing through the dust that weighs heavy on our heads.
If you are struggling, if trials surround you, let this BLOG be an encouragement to you. God will not fail you. Not ever. He wants nothing less than your full trust and faith. You may think you've givien it, but if you are suffering trial after trial after trial and loss after loss, I'm going to bet you've not given it all. It's frustrating becuase you believe that you have! You believe you have given all you can. It's not until you really do that you see how much you are holding on to. Beth Moore said something like "You can tell how much of your life you are trying to control by the heaviness of your heart. Carrying God's load is a big job" (I'm sure I didn't get that all right, but the sentiment is there) Your heart and load will continue to be heavy, friends, until you let go and free fall into His arms. My advice would be to do it sooner rather than later.
Oh, how blessed I am. How amazed I am at the gift God has given us. The gift of heavenly perspective.
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