Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

Did you know that you can mis-characterize a person, their motives, or an event to such a degree that you are lying? Seems obvious but stay with me here because I don't think people realize they do this.  Let me give you some examples:

(I don't know that anyone has actually said these things about "Suzie" and these are not actual conversations that have taken place)

Quote: " Suzie does not allow her kids to go to Incredible Pizza. It's sad they don't get to do anything fun."
Truth: Suzie has a chronic illness that makes places like Incredible Pizza a virtual nightmare for her. It's not that she will not allow them to go.  If someone else were willing to take them they could go. She also makes sure to take them to other less rowdy places for a treat in order to make up for her inability to take them.

Quote: "Suzie spends all day on Saturday on her computer. She would feel better if she was more active"
Truth: Suzie spends some Saturdays on her computer because she works during the week and then needs to take a day of rest in order to function the next week.  She likes to BLOG as therapy and if she can't be physically active she might as well keep her mind sharp!

Quote: "Suzie won't buy her kids toys like that because she doesn't like them. They don't have anything to play with"
Truth: Suzie's kids have no interest in that particular toy. Person telling the story was offended because they wanted to buy this toy and Suzie suggested a different toy. Suzie really has no preference one way or the other.

In all three instances the outcome is the same: Suzie doesn't take the kids to Incredible Pizza, Suzie does spend Saturdays on the computer, Suzie's kids don't receive the toy in question.  HOWEVER, how the story is relayed greatly changes how Suzie is viewed by others.  Working in the legal industry for the past many years has taught me to ask questions when statements like this are proffered. Our words are very subjective, it's just natural.  The damage comes in, though, when we know the truth, yet superimpose our opinion on the story as we re-tell it.  To do so knowingly is at best, spin, at worst, a lie!

Truthful way of telling it: Suzie doesn't take her kids to Incredible Pizza.
The person telling this doesn't know why Suzie does not take them there.  The rest of the conversation may be the other person asking "why?"  But a fact is stated without any judgement being made. That is what it boils down to.  We make a judgment about someone's behavior, parenting skills, or habits and superimpose that judgment onto our statements.

For your part, aside from being careful not to do this yourself, you can often bring this to peoples' attention, gently, by asking a couple of questions. Especially if you know something about the subject in question.

Example:
Person:  "Suzie won't allow her kids to have those toys because she doesn't like them."
You: "Really? Why doesn't she like them?"
Person: "I don't know. When I offered to buy them one, she suggested I buy something else"
You: "Oh, so she didn't say it was because she didn't like those toys"

Most people have no idea how hurtful it can be to cause image defamation of another person. Most of us are doing the best we can, and even if we have some screwy methods, we love our kids and families.  Be careful, then, when imparting information to others. Even if it is unintentional, it is, in fact, a lie because it creates an image to the person receiving the information that is untrue.  If it's untrue? It is what?