To Whom it may concern: Who are you?

This is the first time I have actually kept up with my BLOG. It's enjoyable, though my personal journaling has fallen to the wayside. Blogging is interesting because the website gives you stats that tell you general information about your audience: which country, which browser, even which website referred them to my blog. When I look at it, I'm so curious about how someone in Russia found my BLOG and what they thought about it. If it gave them any insight, what is their life like? Are they a person with Fibromyalgia? or a Mom? or a Christian?

Having a personal BLOG is also interesting because you really kind of put yourself out there. Sometimes you get some feedback but mostly not. I don't suppose I write because solely because I am trying to impress my audience, whoever that may be. I write because I have something on my mind. But I wonder if I could be more effective in sharing what's on my mind if I knew who was reading it.

More importantly, though, I am truly interested in my audience. Who are you? Where are you in this life journey? Are you happy? Struggling? Sick? Are you seeking something? That's the reason feedback is so important to me. Blogging, for me, isn't only about putting my thoughts out there, it's also about connecting.

In any event, wherever you are and whoever you are, I sincerely hope this post finds you well, and interested, and that you always come away from reading with a new insight, however small.

You can't go in there like THAT!

I read a BLOG post today on one of my favorite sites, Rest Ministries  The devotional post was focused on I Peter 1:3-7.  You can find the link to that devotional here. I loved the focus of this devotional. I have never thought about it quite this way.  The idea being that we are refined by fire so that, like clay, we can be made into firm pottery, so that we can withstand this world and pass on our faith to others: a gift to withstand that ages.

But in reading this I also was reminded of the game I am playing with my boys (WARNING: GEEK REFERENCE: The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword.  We love these games and have played almost every one.  Our brave hero, Link, starts out as a boy with a quest to save his beloved friend, Zelda.

 His life is simple until one day everything is turned on its head.  He confronts physical challenges and demons and with each passing trial he gains more "hearts" and becomes stronger, more skilled, until he is ready to face the final "boss" and rescue Zelda.  In the game we are playing the hero faces literally what are called "trials".  With each that he overcomes his spirit becomes stronger and more ready. At the end he will be able to pass through to the final stage, ready to enter.

We all know that we face trials here to strengthen our faith.  But today I saw a new image.  Like our hero, and like the clay in the Rest Ministries devotional,we can't enter Heaven as a little boy or as a soft lump of clay.  The Spirit that is within us knows us intimately. As intimately as He knows the heavenly kingdom. And he understands what we need to be in order to be ready. He sees our progress through this life and says "you can't go in there like that."

Am I saying that one must endure trials to enter heaven and receive salvation?  No, definitely not. That's not my point at all.  In fact there may be those out there who hearts and souls are made of gold and ready from day one.  But the bible is clear that we will endure trials.  It's a certainty. During our trial, I had only two choices: walk forward, or walk away.  What would it have meant to walk away?  It would take a while to further clarify this point but for now, just know that's not what I mean to say.

It also says that we should count them all joy!  Like a bride who goes through days of beauty treatments (some of them more painful than others) so that she is a beautiful presentation to her groom, we are being made more presentable to our Lord. Refined by fire, made beautiful and polished, perfected, completed, strengthened, all to be ready to do what we are called to do here, and I imagine there will be things to do in heaven as well.  

I can not look back on the last three years and not feel so incredibly grateful!    I can look back and see that, like Link, my soul was being infused with understanding, my faith strengthened.  I am not the girl that entered this walk three years ago.  I have more joy, now, than I ever had before! How is that possible?  How can you go through a season of loss and how can your life utterly change and on the other side be happier that you were before?  Refining doesn't just equal steel, it equals joy.  Because I can sense the changes within me. I am joyful because I am changed.   I feel more presentable, more ready to face the challenges of life that will, without a doubt, still come at us.

I know someone right now that is going through one of the worst trials imaginable.  Their child has brain cancer.  The Dad writes BLOG posts on Caring Bridge (for a real lesson in faith, go visit, you will fall in love with this family).  I am amazed at where this father is spiritually.  He sees so clearly what this is about.  He is a mouthpiece for God in nearly every one of his posts. Such a courageous Christian family.  They are already in a place where it has taken me years (and tears) to get to.  What more can there be for them to learn?  There must be something.  I'm following along with this family. I want to watch their faith grow beyond where it is. It's startling to me to think that is even possible.  I want to learn from them. I want to know what immeasurable spiritual gift is on the other side. I follow them also so that if there is anything I learned, any peace that I was given in my trial, that I can lend to them, I will know it, and be ready to do it. If you are in a high place in your life, don't forget those down in the battle. Lend them your strength through prayer, words, scripture, hugs. That walk is hard while you're in it, don't let any one walk alone.

Whatever image speaks to you: refined as silver, hardened like pottery, made presentable to the groom, made ready to enter, or a hero's spiritual infused trial, grasp on to that and understand that it is to change you into something better. Be forewarned, you will not be the same.  You will be presentable in the finest spiritual garb. I imagine the Holy Spirit standing back, looking at his masterpiece, and saying "And now, you are ready. You may enter."

An Ounce of Perspective

When you can't see what God needs you to see, He will move you to a place where you can see.  Sometimes that is far away where you can look from afar and see clearly what was surrounding you. Sometimes you see it and praise Him that you are no longer there! Sometimes you see it, and beg Him to give it back.  It's like the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, showing you things you didn't, couldn't, wouldn't see before.  If you find yourself complaining a lot, my suggestion would be to take a step back and try to gain some perspective yourself.  You can move yourself around the block, God is likely to  move you much farther! And if He brings you back, He might leave you with a permanent little reminder.

I used to think my life was hard. I was a stay at home mom with three little boys ages 8, 6, and 4.  Two were in Cub Scouts. I was a Den Leader.  My husband had a great job but worked a lot of hours so the kids were all my responsibility, 95% of the time. Two were in school, one was in half-day, which required 20 trips to the school a day. (it seemed)  I complained about sitting in a line of cars to drop the off, driving to the school 3 times a day and dealing with school traffic. I complained about how loud they were when they all got in the van after school. I complained about how hard it was to get them up and ready every morning. I was usually totally frazzled by the time I got them to school. I complained about grocery shopping, especially if I had to take them with me. I complained about trying to get dinner ready on time on Wednesday nights and on Cub Scout nights. I complained about having to coordinate who went where in order to get everyone where they needed to be.  I complained about class parties and having to get to three of them, sometimes needing to be two places at one time, and all the craziness and chaos that was present at those class parties.  I envied my husband who got to waltz out the door every morning at 7:30 and leave me to the kids, the dogs, the craziness, who would work all day and crash in the chair when he got home to a clean house, dinner cooked. (most nights)  He had it easy!  I worked so hard and he just got to escape it all every day.

Then everything changed. He lost his job and it took about year before we decided I would go back to work.  When they time came I was ready for the change. I was ready to waltz out of the door at 7:30 and "leave him to it". It was great! (at first)  And then I started to miss them.  I missed the chattiness in the van on the way home from school. I missed the quiet moments I had sitting in the van reading, waiting for them to get out of school. I missed the excitement of mornings. I missed every single chaotic second of being home with my children.  I was forgetting things: school parties, parent teacher meetings.  They had stopped even mentioning things to me because they knew I wouldn't be able to come, anyway.  Mostly, I missed knowing my kids.  I yearned for my home, my hearth, my family, for all I ever took for granted. Words can't explain it. I know that even my best effort at writing this is not going to convince you, if you are living your dream of being home with you kids, (or whatever your dream may be) that you need to cherish every single second.  Because my perspective, is not your perspective.  I can't give that to you through a BLOG.

The day after I lost my job,the kids were having all of their fall parties at school.  I was so excited that I was going to be able to go! The youngest was the first to ask me. He was so excited that I would not be at work.  My 8 year old, didn't even mention his to me.  I scoured my emails to find the one from his teacher that said what time.  I stood outside my youngest one's class room waiting for them to come back in from recess.  Although he invited me, he wasn't really looking for me to be there.  When he looked up and saw me, the joy that lit his eyes as he ran to hug me, melted my heart.  Through his clothes and mine I could feel his heart pounding with pure excitement.  How could I ever, EVER have wished that away?  My older son's face lit up in total surprise when I walked into his classroom. He said "Mom! I didn't even tell you I was having a party!"   So, see it was on purpose.

So what I am doing  with my brand new perspective?  How about what I'm NOT doing.  I'm NOT complaining about housework, kid noise, class parties, or any such thing.  I'm NOT taking a minute of time with them for granted.  Ironically, it actually is harder now.   I now have a chronic illness that makes every day a little more challenging.  Is that a punishment?  Or is a reminder to remember, still, what I used to have? I praise God for the hours of the day that I have the physical energy to accomplish what few homemaker acts I am able to preform.   It has slowed me way down.  But that's a blessing!  God's miracle of perspective will change the rest of my life.  To seize every single moment of the things surrounding me.

Censored for content violation

The good, the bad, the blah.

I'm discouraged today. Though I'm thankful to have low pain (good), I'm fighting high fatigue (bad), and frustrated that nothing is quite easy enough (blah).

I'm wondering if I will ever be well. I feel as though 2 1/2 months ago I was in a car wreck and am still recovering. When in truth I was walking out of a "train wreck" and into something better. My life is better. My dreams of the last year are all coming true. Yet, here I am finding myself too exhausted to enjoy them.
Would it sound silly to say I think there might be depression at work? I only say that because I've had short-term depression before and what I remember most markedly is the utter overwhelmed-ness (is that a word?) that would overtake me. So today, I decide I'm going to try to get some control and start researching what exactly causes fatigue in Fibromyalgia patients. I looked at exactly ONE website, and couldn't continue. The minuscule amount of info on that one site, most surrounding diet change, had me ready to dive into bed and pull the covers over my head. Especially since there was nothing concrete: your body, your diet, find what works for you. Really?

Is it because I'm still looking for the magic answer? Do I hold on to hope that I'm going to find the cure for myself? I don't want to give up and just feel this way for ever. I have THINGS I want to do.

And that leads me all the way back around to depression. Do I know I'm fighting a losing battle and already feel defeated?

I'm famous for not giving up. I am an answer finder, it's what I do. At least that's what I DID. It seems like it is just out of reach.

I'm not giving up, I guess. Only for tonight. Tomorrow, is round two. Small steps to finding a way out.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

Did you know that you can mis-characterize a person, their motives, or an event to such a degree that you are lying? Seems obvious but stay with me here because I don't think people realize they do this.  Let me give you some examples:

(I don't know that anyone has actually said these things about "Suzie" and these are not actual conversations that have taken place)

Quote: " Suzie does not allow her kids to go to Incredible Pizza. It's sad they don't get to do anything fun."
Truth: Suzie has a chronic illness that makes places like Incredible Pizza a virtual nightmare for her. It's not that she will not allow them to go.  If someone else were willing to take them they could go. She also makes sure to take them to other less rowdy places for a treat in order to make up for her inability to take them.

Quote: "Suzie spends all day on Saturday on her computer. She would feel better if she was more active"
Truth: Suzie spends some Saturdays on her computer because she works during the week and then needs to take a day of rest in order to function the next week.  She likes to BLOG as therapy and if she can't be physically active she might as well keep her mind sharp!

Quote: "Suzie won't buy her kids toys like that because she doesn't like them. They don't have anything to play with"
Truth: Suzie's kids have no interest in that particular toy. Person telling the story was offended because they wanted to buy this toy and Suzie suggested a different toy. Suzie really has no preference one way or the other.

In all three instances the outcome is the same: Suzie doesn't take the kids to Incredible Pizza, Suzie does spend Saturdays on the computer, Suzie's kids don't receive the toy in question.  HOWEVER, how the story is relayed greatly changes how Suzie is viewed by others.  Working in the legal industry for the past many years has taught me to ask questions when statements like this are proffered. Our words are very subjective, it's just natural.  The damage comes in, though, when we know the truth, yet superimpose our opinion on the story as we re-tell it.  To do so knowingly is at best, spin, at worst, a lie!

Truthful way of telling it: Suzie doesn't take her kids to Incredible Pizza.
The person telling this doesn't know why Suzie does not take them there.  The rest of the conversation may be the other person asking "why?"  But a fact is stated without any judgement being made. That is what it boils down to.  We make a judgment about someone's behavior, parenting skills, or habits and superimpose that judgment onto our statements.

For your part, aside from being careful not to do this yourself, you can often bring this to peoples' attention, gently, by asking a couple of questions. Especially if you know something about the subject in question.

Example:
Person:  "Suzie won't allow her kids to have those toys because she doesn't like them."
You: "Really? Why doesn't she like them?"
Person: "I don't know. When I offered to buy them one, she suggested I buy something else"
You: "Oh, so she didn't say it was because she didn't like those toys"

Most people have no idea how hurtful it can be to cause image defamation of another person. Most of us are doing the best we can, and even if we have some screwy methods, we love our kids and families.  Be careful, then, when imparting information to others. Even if it is unintentional, it is, in fact, a lie because it creates an image to the person receiving the information that is untrue.  If it's untrue? It is what?

Me defined by You. Hmmm.

Several experiences today are the fuel behind this post. This is my second full week of working part time and I consider it mostly as success, despite not accomplishing as much as I hoped. How it was ever possible that I worked 50 hours a week is a mystery to me. Three hours a day and I'm pretty much done. Which leads me to reference point number 1. In a well written Fibro Blog "10 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself", Number 7 on that list was this: "Putting yourself last. A lot of us are willing to put all our energy into the people around us, our jobs, our responsibilities ... only to have nothing left for ourselves. It doesn't work. If you don't take care of yourself first, you'll have less and less to give until there's nothing left - because you'll keep getting sicker. Taking care of yourself is survival, not selfishness."*

Umm, yeah, ok. So the algebraic equation of 50 hours per week X 4 months (give or take) = non-functioning me. NEWS flash! That's the kind of behavior that develops Fibromyalgia to start with. News Flash FLASH!! Take care of yourself girlfriend this advice applies to you too. It's not just us Fibro gals that need to pace ourselves. It's burning the candle at both ends that causes the damage that leads to Fibromyalgia, or at best, burn out.

The point of that BLOG (references below) was that we Fibro FROGs** need to stop holding ourselves to "normal" standards. Doing so is not only depressing but impossible. You can hold yourself only to your own standards and abilities. Come to think of it, that's a message for ALL Moms. You have two little ones around your ankles and you think your house is going to be clean? Are you working full time AND trying to make the class party AND the weekend campout AND the bake sale AND you don't know when your family is going to have clean clothes again or you will ever sleep again? No. Stop It. Lady Friends, it doesn't matter if your house is clean. If it matters that much, don't eat out once and pay a teenager (or your own kids to do it). I am a testament that it's just not worth it. Ever.

Do what you can do. If you do all that you can, and take time to take care of yourself too, consider it a success.

Finally, I was moved by a BLOG written by a preacher I know, Tim Pyles. Though his was centered around sports the point he made was incredibly relevant to my week:

"It’s not that Tim Tebow can’t mentally recall past disappointments and failures on the field, he just isn’t owned by them, debilitated by them, or defined by them.
“... But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14)."***

So I didn't get the house all cleaned. So I had an hour's worth of energy after working 3 tiny hours. So I crashed 2 nights out of 5. Next week I'm going to try it again. I'm going to approach it positively. I'm not going to hold myself to my standard of functioning I had 6 months ago, or 6 years ago. While Fibro may necessarily define me, my "failures" will not. I won't be "owned" by what I couldn't do this week or let it steal my joy. Right now my focus is going to be putting myself and family first, seeking in every moment what God has purposed for me. You don't have to have Fibro to live by that standard. Give yourself a break. Eternal life is the prize, does dusted base boards really matter?


References:
*http://chronicfatigue.about.com/b/2012/01/10/10-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself-with-fibromyalgia-chronic-fatigue-syndrome.htm?nl=1
**Fibro FROG - (Fully Rely On God) If we need a cute name for ourselves I can't think of a better one.
***http://timpyles.com/2012/01/13/tebows-faith-based-amnesia/